I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
