you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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