Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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