Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
