Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
