Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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