Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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