I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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