Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I came so hard my ears popped.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
