addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
