im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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