Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
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I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
A+ Viking dick
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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