Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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