Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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