apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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