I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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