we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
