he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
