I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
