hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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