Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
