Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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