I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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