How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
