This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
