She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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