i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
