So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
