you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
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My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
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i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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