Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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