have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
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Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
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I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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