I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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