end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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