I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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