omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I wish you could order shots online.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
