Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
