He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
