my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
