your parents love me but you hate me
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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