It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
