im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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