They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
