So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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