You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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