I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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