made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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