Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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