your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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