i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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