You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Randomize
