I accidentally had phone sex last night
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
