I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
