Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
