dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
