i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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