Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.