that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
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Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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