I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
