I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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