He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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