my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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